An Open Letter to the Stupid Hoarders of Mobile and Baldwin Counties

Dear Stupid and Ignorant People,

You, as a practicing dumbass, make all of lives more difficult, each and every day. You don't use turn signals, you play your car stereos too loud, you leave full baby diapers and condoms in parking lots, you get in the express line at the grocery store with too many items, etc etc. You are a menace to society on a regular basis.

However, now you have gone WAY TOO FAR with your hoarding. You have hoarded the toilet paper. You have hoarded the hand sanitizer. You have hoarded the disinfecting wipes. You have hoarded the dadgum hamburger meat. You have hoarded and hoarded and hoarded and all of us are feeling the pain. Poor elderly people, who are already worried about getting sick, are also worried about how they may have to clean their buttocks due to your hoarding activities.

Instead of hoarding the essentials, as you have been, there ARE some items that I wish you would hoard. That's right! There are some things that I hope, pray and wish that you would hoard, because if you did, the world would be a better place!

1- Deodorant. Yes, deodorant. All the toilet paper and hand sanitizer is gone and you have left the deodorant behind. Why? We are social distancing and I CAN STILL SMELL YOUR STINKY SELF. The apocalypse is no time to smell like a dumpster behind an Olive Garden! If the virus doesn't get me, your foul body odor will get me! Hoard the deodorant!

2-Toothpaste. Do I need to explain this? Yes, Theodore, Alabama, I am thinking of some of your residents. If I am six feet away from you and can smell your breath, society has failed. Hoard toothpaste and USE IT.

3- English Grammar Textbooks. Every day, I meet people who are born and raised in Mobile, Alabama who speak English like it is a second language. Some of these folks even get elected to the local government! I shouldn't need a translator to order a Big Mac!

4-Decent Women's Clothing. Hey, ladies... if you don't want me to look, please don't thrust your unencumbered cleavage all up in my face. Please hoard whatever it takes to cover your breasts and your abs. Life is NOT a Britney Spears video. If you don't cover yours, I'll uncover mine, and none of us want that!

5- Men's Belts. Every day, pandemic or not, I see young men walking along the streets of the city of Mobile with their pants sagging down precariously low, exposing underpants and buttock regions of the body. This is unacceptable for modern society. I understand you may prefer this as a fashion statement. However, underwear should be worn UNDER and not OUT. I want as much fabric as possible between me and your ass.

6- Hydroxy Cut or Any Other Legal Diet Pill. Yes, I know it is uncomfortable to talk about, but you've put on a few additional tens of pounds. Sometimes when I go to WalMart I cannot navigate thru the Walmart because you are so big you need a motorized scooter to ride on in the store. A few weeks ago I got caught behind a mother and her adult daughter, both riding in two separate electric scooters in the Walmart, causing a pedestrian shopper traffic jam. Please hoard diet pills! I'm overweight, personally, and you're making me look skinny!

7- Auburn Tiger Memorabilia. YES, please hoard it. Buy it all up. When I go to the store now, all the shelves are empty, except for shelf after shelf of unattractive Auburn Tiger shirts and other Auburn garbage. It depresses me to see big shelves of unwanted, unattractive Auburn Tiger gear. HOARD IT so I won't have to burn it!

I could go on and on with additional suggestion, but I do understand that the mental capacity of stupid people is limited, so I will end with the above guidance.

Thank you!

Sincerely and accurately,

Uncle Henry

Sitemap