Shocking News from My Doctor on My Birthday

My birthday this year turned out to be life-changing.

I had a doctor's appointment on my birthday. We discussed all my annual test results, and ways I can increase my wellness, based on those test results.

Like most Alabamians, my doctor told me I am obese and that I need to lose weight. This did not surprise me, because I own several mirrors and also appear on Facebook live video every weekday.  I can see my fat.

But the next thing the doctor told me SHOCKED me to the core of my being. 

See, my favorite foods to eat are bacon and fried chicken.  I eat bacon as often as is practical, and I eat fried chicken for dinner several times a week.  If I were on death row and ordering my last meal, fried chicken and a side of bacon would be included, along with a few additional side items. 

We live in a Golden Age for both fried chicken and bacon. 

Bacon has been more affordable lately, as pork prices have been lower than usual. Food manufacturers have noticed that Americans love bacon, and so there are many more bacon products available for purchase than ever before. We even have one of the best bacon brands on Planet Earth, Bill-E's Small Batch Bacon, being produced in Lower Alabama.  Bacon is everywhere! 

Adequate to excellent fried chicken is now available in a staggeringly high number of locations all over the Gulf Coast. Almost every grocery store offers fresh fried chicken, including Rouses Market,  Greers , and many others.  We also have spectacular fried chicken tenders available at places like Foosackly's, Raising Canes and others. We can now enjoy delicious fried chicken products several nights a week without frying it ourselves and having to clean up the annoying mess.

As I mentioned above, I eat fried chicken and bacon so much that I am uncomfortable telling you how often I eat fried chicken and bacon.

So- SHOCKING NEWS FROM MY DOCTOR: Even though I eat way too much fried chicken and bacon, my cholesterol levels are excellent and my blood pressure is perfect! YES, YES, YES! I CONSISTENTLY EAT GIANT LOADS OF BACON AND FRIED CHICKEN AND MY CHOLESTEROL LEVELS ARE SPECTACULAR!

Based on my diet, I was prepared to have to cut back or eliminate my favorite foods, and then live an unfulfilling life of quiet resentment and chronic sadness.

But no- Now I feel free to UNLEASH THE GREASE! 

I no longer have to feel guilty when I eat fried chicken two nights in a row! I no longer have to feel guilty when I use Foosackly's chicken fingers as a utensil to eat other foods! I no longer have to feel guilty when I eat half a pound of bacon for lunch! I can continue to UNLEASH THE GREASE! This is shocking and life altering news that changes me forever! 

Yes, I do understand that I am obese. I need to lose weight. And I will try my best to drop a few pounds. My doctor recommended that I start living my life eating the Mediterranean Diet.  I don't know if I can do that. Can you fry chicken in olive oil? I don't think so. 

Anyway, my visit to my doctor certainly rocked my world, and made my birthday one of my happiest birthdays ever! UNLEASH THE GREASE FOREVER!