Uncle Henry's Bedtime Stories for Senior Citizens #5
Grady's Graduating Grandchildren
Once upon a time, there was an upstanding Senior Citizen named Grady. Grady was an 82 year old widower who lived alone in an old old old house off of Shelton Beach Road in Eight Mile. His street address was actually a Prichard Street address but Grady never wanted to admit that, so he told people he lived in Eight Mile, near the old Burger Master.
82 year old Grady's favorite things do were watch Alabama football, talk Alabama football and just sit and think about Alabama football. He was an Alabama fan since the first days of Bear Bryant! He never attended the University of Alabama as a student, but he had gone to the A-Day games every year. 82 year old Grady didn't ever buy game tickets because he was thrifty.
Yes, 82 year old Grady was not the smartest investor, but he was very very very frugal and saved his money all through his life. He saved when he was young and cut people's grass. He saved when he joined the military. And he saved money for his entire career working at the auto parts store. 82 year old Grady saved and saved and saved. No one knew that he had a big big big nest egg. And he never spent his fortune, except on his grand children.
82 year old Grady loved his three grand children...the triplets: Mary, Jane, and Sally.
82 year old Grady spent nearly 20 years spoiling Mary, Jane, and Sally. He gave them expensive birthday presents and expensive Christmas gifts. He sometimes gave them gifts for no reason at all, other than just because it felt so good to give them presents. Sometimes he just gave them money. And many of the presents he gave Mary, Jane and Sally were Alabama Crimson Tide gifts. He gave them Alabama pajamas and Alabama bibbs when they were babies, and Alabama shirts when they were older. And Alabama pom poms and Alabama blankets and Alabama drinking glasses and Alabama air fresheners and Alabama welcome mats and Alabama paintings and Alabama books and, of course, Bear Bryant Coke Bottles.
82 year old Grady even took Mary, Jane and Sally to the A-Day game with him. He taught them the Alabama fight song, and the Rammer Jammer chant! He made sure they were always completely immersed in the good comfortable vibrations of Alabama football fandom.
When it came time for Mary, Jane and Sally to graduate from high school, 82 year old Grady was so so so proud. He wondered to himself, "What should I give Mary, Jane and Sally as a graduation gift? I've saved my money all my life! I can afford to give them almost anything!" The thought made him tremble with anticipation!
Unfortunately, 82 year old Grady was in for a terrible terrible terrible shock!
Mary, Jane and Sally came to see him a week before their graduation.
Mary told him, "Grandpa Grady! I'm so excited! I just got a scholarship to go to LSU! I'm going to LSU! "
82 year old Grady grabbed his chest! He felt a sharp pain! It felt almost as bad as when LSU beat Alabama 9 to 6 in overtime, back in 2011.
"But what about the Alabama Crimson Tide?!" cried 82 year old Grady.
Mary replied, "Grandpa Grady, that's fun, but this is real life!"
Then Jane spoke up. She said, "Grandpa Grady! I have good news, too! I just got a scholarship to Tennesee! I'm going to Tennessee!"
82 year old Grady felt the room spin, He was feeling sick. It felt almost as bad as when Tee Martin and Tennessee beat the undefeated Alabama 35 to 18 in 1998!
"But what about the Alabama Crimson Tide?!" cried 82 year old Grady.
Jane replied, "Grandpa Grady, that's fun, but this is real life!"
Then Sally spoke up. "Grandpa Grady! I know you'll be happy for me! I want to become a veterinarian, and I just got a full ride scholarship to Auburn! War Eagle!"
82 year old Grady felt like he was having a stroke, and a heart attack and every other bad medical emergency. It felt almost as bad as the awful awful awful Kick Six 2013 Iron Bowl game, when Auburn beat Alabama. That had been the worst day of 82 year old Grady's life, even worse then when his late wife Lawanda passed away after getting caught in the automatic door at Delchamps.
"But what about the Alabama Crimson Tide?!" cried 82 year old Grady.
Sally replied, "Grandpa Grady, that's fun, but this is real life! "
82 year old Grady still attended Mary, Jane and Sally's graduation, even though they attended Mary Montgomery High School and the graduations were always rowdy and annoying.
After the ceremony, Mary, Jane and Sally were anxious to see what their graduation gifts would be. Their Grandpa Grady had spoiled them their entire lives! What could it be? Would they get cars? They were so so so excited.
82 year old Grady gave each girl, and their useless parents, envelopes. And they were all excited! Envelopes can have checks with lots of zeros on them!
But when Mary, Jane and Sally ... and their useless parents...each opened their envelopes, there were no checks. There wasn't any money. There wasn't a picture of a car. No, instead, inside each envelope was a handwritten note, written by 82 year old Grady. And each note said exactly the same thing.
The note said: "The Grady train has just stopped, and you are getting off. I have just written you OUT of my will. ROLL DAMN TIDE! "
Grady wrote the ROLL DAMN TIDE in big capital letters in red magic marker.
"But what about our graduation presents?!" cried Mary, Jane and Sally.
82 year old Grady replied, "This,Young Ladies, THIS is real life! ROLL TIDE ROLL! From now on, go make your own damn money!"
Yes, he had written all of them out of his will, and he decided to leave his big big big fortune to a scholarship fund to help the pitiful children of Eight Mile Alabama go to the University of Alabama.
And 82 year old Grady lived happily ever after.... for just a little while longer.
THE END
