Uncle Henry's Bedtime Stories for Senior Citizens
#4 Nellie's Noisy Neighbor
Once upon a time, there was an upstanding senior citizen named Nellie. Nellie was an 84 year old widow, who lived in a modest home on Old Government Street. She struggled financially because her late husband Charlie invested all their savings into a new product called CBG oil, thinking that it was CBD oil. Nobody wanted CBG oil, so they lost everything. Charlie was a wonderful man but he never read the fine print.
Late one night, after 9 o'clock, Nellie was awakened by a horrible sound! The windows of her house rattled, and it sounded like a freight train! Nellie was terrified! She got up her courage, peeked out her bedroom window and discovered where the ungodly sound was coming from- it was Timmy, the teenage boy that lived next door.
Timmy just turned 16, and drove an old dirty, white Toyota Corolla. He put a new sound system in his car to impress his friends at Murphy High School, and it was LOUD! The music was so loud Nellie couldn't figure out who or what it was- was it rock? Was it rap? She didn't know. She just knew that it hurt! She could feel it in her bones!
Timmy had the car parked in his mom's driveway, close to Nellie's house, and blasted his car stereo as loud as he could for two more songs! Nellie thought she saw two other houses turn their lights on, but she was hearing the worst of it. The loud music could not be escaped, even when she put in ear plugs! It was the worst night she'd had since the night her husband Charlie passed away, after he slipped on some spilled CBG oil and hit his head on the toilet.
Later the next day, 84 year old Nellie knocked on the door of Timmy's house, and Timmy's mother Tammy answered. Tammy was a divorced woman in her 40's, who paid little attention to Timmy. Tammy was a chain-smoking assistant manager at the Dollar Tree, and was more interested in her boyfriend Leo, who was studying to become an occupational therapist. Tammy heard occupational therapists made good money, and she hoped Leo could help her make a better life, with frequent trips to the Biloxi Casinos and the Flora-Bama. Tammy didn't want to spend time dealing with Timmy.
Nellie told Tammy how Timmy woke her up with his loud car stereo, and she asked Tammy if she would ask Timmy to turn it down.
Tammy listened to Nellie's complaint, and then smirked, with a glint of steel in her eyes.
Tammy spit out, "He's a teenage boy! That's what they do! Mind your own business!"
And then Tammy called Nellie the B-word.
Nellie immediately burst into tears and rushed home, as fast as she could move at age 84.
She had only been called the b word once before in her life. It was traumatic! It was fifty years ago, at her husband's company Christmas party, when she accidentally spilled her cocktail on a man named Ed's shirt. Ed was a little drunk and called her the b-word. Nellie's husband Charlie was dressed as Santa, and when he heard what Ed said, he dragged Ed out into the parking lot and punched him over and over again until Ed hid under a 1969 Mustang. To this day, every time Nellie sees a Mustang she thinks of the man who called her a b-word and how he had to hide under a Mustang to escape. By the way, because the incident happened fifty years ago, both Charlie and Ed got to keep their jobs because Human Resources had not been invented yet.
Nellie's cheeks burned, and she was very mad and very sad and very afraid. Her neighbor Tammy called her a b-word, and Charlie was no longer alive, so he couldn't punch Tammy.
As Nellie pondered her awful dilemma, things got worse! Timmy the teenager arrived home from school in his old dirty white Toyota Corolla and cranked up his car sound system again, and shook all of Nellie's house ! It was horrible! Once again, the music was so loud Nellie could feel it in her bones. What could she do?
Nellie didn't think the police would help her this time because she had already called them too much. Nellie had called the police every time the gas company sent someone to read her gas meter. She thought the meter reader was coming to rob her. That mad the police mad.
Nellie got even sadder. She felt totally defeated.
But then, right when she was about to give up, she remembered! She remembered a kind looking man she saw on Facebook in a video. He was a bald headed lawyer who talked so so so much on Facebook Nellie thought he must really need some work! And he had an easy to remember name- his name was Matt Green.
Nellie used Facebook to find the bald headed lawyer Matt Green, and when she called him, he answered right away because he really needed the work.
Nellie told her whole story to the bald headed lawyer Matt Green, and he listened to every detail about the music from Timmy's car and the foul language from Timmy's mother Tammy.
The bald headed lawyer Matt Green told Nellie, "These people have violated your Constitutional Rights!"
This excited Nellie! She had forgotten all about the Constitution, just like most Americans had!
Bald headed lawyer Matt Green said, " Don't worry, Miss Nellie! I will send Tammy and Timmy a strongly worded letter, filled with big long words, and I will use my law firms' letterhead. A letter using a lawyer's letterhead can accomplish almost anything!"
Two days later, Timmy and Tammy received the special letter, using the bald headed lawyer Matt Greens's letterhead, with strong, big, long words.
And it worked. Never again did Timmy blast his car sound system so loud it hurt Nellie. And Tammy never uttered a bad word again to Nellie. And 84 year old Nellie could afford the bald headed lawyer Matt Green's fee because he allowed her to pay him in small installments.
And Nellie lived happily ever after. THE END
