Uncle Henry's Bedtime Stories for Senior Citizens #3


Pop's Poop Problem

Once upon a time, there was an upstanding senior citizen named Pops. His real name was Gaylord, but everyone on his street called him Pops because he was the oldest man in the neighborhood. He was 88 years old.

Pops was a widower, and he lived in a "paid for" house off of Burma Road, near all the nice Catholics who go to Saint Dominics. Pops lived comfortably off of his Social Security and payments from a few indexed annuities. Pop's favorite thing to do was work in his yard. He had a beautiful lawn, pretty flower beds, and a majestic magnolia tree that shed leaves all year long. He loved to rake the magnolia leaves every single day of the year. He thought the raking kept him fit and alive.

One morning, when 88 year old Pops was raking his leaves, he stepped in a giant pile of dog mess. The dog mess got squished deeply in to the bottom grooves of Pops favorite pair of outside shoes. They were comfortable and had velcro straps. As much as Pops struggled to clean the velcro strap shoes, they still had bits of dog mess stuck in the grooves, and that made Pops very sad. Pops still had his sense of smell, and he hated the smell of dog mess.

Two days later, the same thing happened again. Pops stepped in a giant pile of dog mess, near his flower bed. This time, Pops was mad. He did not want to spend his precious time trying, again, to clean his favorite velcro strap shoes.

The next morning, before Pops went out to rake, he noticed a stranger- a young man in his 50's, walking a big dog. The man and his dog stopped right on Pop's lawn, right near the magnolia tree, and the dog went poo poo! And then, the rude man and the rude dog kept walking, without picking up the dog mess. 

Pops was very mad, and he tried to go out and have words with the rude man and his rude dog, but Pops moved slowly at age 88, and by the time he got out to the road, the rude man and the rude dog had escaped.

Pops later went to Walmart and bought a sign that was in the shape of a dog pooping, and it had the words, "Your dog poops, you scoop!" written on it. He took the sign home, and planted it on his lawn. 

The next day, the rude man and his rude dog came back and pooped again, right next to the sign! And Pops was, again, too slow at age 88 to catch them before they escaped.

Pops was very mad, very sad, and confused. He was sure the sign would work! He had paid 8 dollars and 70 cents for it, plus tax! The only person who would ignore that sign, thought Pops, must be a sociopathic freak! 

What could Pops do? He began to despair, feeling held hostage in his home by landmines of dog mess in his yard, ruining his love of yard work and making a disgrace out of his comfortable velcro strap shoes.

But then Pops got an idea. It was a drastic step, and potentially dangerous, so he asked a friend for advice.

"Alexa," said Pops to his friend, Amazon Alexa. "Alexa, what happens if a dog eats jalapeno peppers?"

88 year old Pops hated jalapeno peppers. Once his grandson made him try stuffed jalapeno peppers from Sam's Club, and it made Pops so sick he couldn't rake leaves for an entire weekend.

Pop's friend, Amazon Alexa said, " Jalapeno peppers are not poisonous to dogs, but peppers can be toxic to individual dogs. Dogs that eat jalapenos can experience stomach pain, bloating, diarrhea, and foul-smelling gas. "

Pops didn't want to hurt the rude dog. However, the rude dog was owned by a sociopathic freak, and Pops missed working in his yard. So, Pops bought some jalapeno peppers, put them inside some hamburger meat, sprinkled bacon grease on the meat and peppers, and then put several in his yard.

The next day, the rude man with the rude dog stopped at Pop's yard to poop, and the rude dog ate several of the jalapeno peppers before they went on their way.

And then the next day, the rude man and the rude dog didn't show up. And then the next day, the rude man and the rude dog didn't show up. The rude man and the rude dog never showed up again! 

And now, when 88 year old Pops rakes his magnolia leaves, wearing his clean velcro strap shoes, he smiles to himself, reflecting on the beauty of his lawn, the pretty flower beds, his majestic magnolia tree, and the fact that dogs who eat jalapenos can experience stomach pain, bloating, diarrhea, and foul-smelling gas.

Pops never stepped in dog mess again, and lived happily ever after.


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