Uncle Henry's Bedtime Stories for Senior Citizens

Uncle Henry's Bedtime Stories for Seniors


The Pound Cake

Once upon a time, there was an upstanding Senior Citizen named Sally.

Sally was an energetic, 79 year old widow who lived in a nice house in the Llanfair neighborhood between Airport Blvd and Dauphin Street. Her late husband was a wise investor who passed away with a sizable life insurance policy, so Sally was financially comfortable.

Sally spent her time gardening, volunteering with her Baptist church and watching her teenage grand son Tyler. But her favorite thing to do was bake cakes, and her specialty was Pound Cake. Sally made the best pound cake in Mobile! All the folks in her Sunday school class, especially the men, loved Sally's pound cake.

Then, one Sunday at church, there was a new woman in her Sunday school class- a woman named Doris.

Doris was a young woman, only 66 years old, almost too young to be in Sally's Sunday school class. And Doris wore a dress that fit quite snugly. Sally thought Doris' tight dress put too much emphasis on her figure.

When the Sunday school class started to plan next Sunday's special monthly Baptist Faith luncheon, the new woman Doris proclaimed, " I volunteer to make a dessert for the Baptist Faith Luncheon. I'll make a pound cake!"

Sally felt like she had been struck by lightning! Pound cake? Pound Cake was Sally's specialty! Everyone loved her pound cake!

Sally said, " Doris, thanks, but I'm the one who makes the pound cake around here. Maybe you can make the potato salad, or maybe bring the rolls."

Doris replied, with a sly smirk, " Don't be silly. Why can't we just have two pound cakes? I'll make mine, and you make yours, and we'll see which one people like the best!" Then Doris laughed a cold laugh, and a few of the men in the class also chuckled.

Sally drove home from church feeling very very sad. Sally wondered if Doris had a special recipe, maybe a better recipe. The men at church may like Doris' pound cake better, especially if they noticed Doris's young 66 year old body in her tight dress. Sally became so upset she started to cry.

When Sally arrived home, she walked in the door, crying big big tears. Her teenage grandson Tyler was there, waiting on her, uselessly playing video games like all young morons do.

Tyler saw Sally crying, and asked, "Grandma! What's wrong?"

Sally explained everything to Tyler. She told him about young 66 year old Doris, the floozy in the tight dress who was going to ruin Sally's life with a pound cake.

Tyler said, " I want to find out about this terrible woman, Grandma! let's look her up on Facebook!"

And so Tyler used his teenage computer technology skills to look up Doris on facebook. And Tyler exclaimed, "Look here, Grandma! This Doris has been divorced twice!"

Sally , for the second time in the same day, felt like she had been hit by lightning! Doris had been divorced TWICE?

And Tyler added, "Look, Grandma! Here is a picture of her on Facebook holding a beer in each hand!"

Sally burst into tears again, but this time out of joy.

"Thank you, Tyler!," she cried! "You just saved the day!"

The next morning, Sally went back up to the Baptist church as she always did, as a volunteer, to help count Sunday's offering, and to fold the church bulletins for Wednesday night's service. When Sally got there with the other volunteers, she told them everything she learned about the new woman, Doris, being divorced TWICE. She even showed them the picture of the Doris woman holding a beer in each hand. Tyler printed the picture on a piece of paper for Sally, because Sally didn't know how to use Facebook on her phone.

By the time Sunday morning rolled around, the entire church was buzzing about Doris's divorces and her beer picture. It was the biggest scandal in the church since the pastor's wife got a spray-on tan.

When young 66 year old Doris unboxed her pound cake at the baptist Faith Luncheon that day, none of the women of the church would take a slice of the cake. Only old Ed ate a piece, and that was because he was hard of hearing and didn't hear about Doris being a divorced beer drinker. 

Meanwhile, Sally's pound cake was a huge hit, just like it had always been. Everyone loved Sally's pound cake.

Two weeks later, the new woman Doris left to find another church, and Sally kept baking pound cakes and lived happily ever after.

The End.

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