The Worst Christmas Songs EVER

Generally speaking, I love Christmas music.  It is one of the only times of the year that we can slip some music about Jesus on to secular radio stations. It is also the only time of year that young people get exposed to some of the greatest musical artists of all time: Andy Williams, Bing Crosby, Gene Autry etc. 

However, irresponsible radio program directors and mentally deficient citizens seem to have inadvertently teamed up to force the rest of us to listen to outrageously annoying Christmas songs that never should have been recorded to begin with. 

Here are my Ten Least Favorite Christmas Songs, also known as the Worst Christmas Songs Ever!

 My first Worst Christmas Song EVER is Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.

The Christmas Tree should NOT be rocked around! 

The Christmas Tree is a place for families to gather around and enjoy each other's companionship. It is NOT a place to rock! 

The mind-damaging "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" can be tolerated once every few decades. If a person hears the song more than once every twenty years, their brain will certainly be corroded. That is why this song vanished from the public airwaves for many years until it was rediscovered a few years ago. I pray that sometime soon, our society will take all copies of this song and bury them in the same hole we bury our nuclear waste.

Ugh! "Santy Baby" is an embarrassment! It sounds like a woman is trying to seduce Santa Claus! It teaches young women a terrible message, and slyly teaches them to manipulate overweight, bearded men into giving them expensive gifts. Below is the Eartha Kitt version because the Madonna version causes me even more anxiety.

I suppose that "Same Old Lang Syne" isn't technically a Christmas song, but it ends up on the radio every time this year, always depressing me, and making me feel sorry for the pathetic freaks drinking six packs of beer in "her car" after reuniting in a grocery store. The people in the song need counseling. Do people really want to guzzle beer in parking lots every time they run into an old boyfriend or girlfriend? Maybe this happens in Theodore every now and again but I hope it isn't an everyday occurrence.

I admire the person who figured out that they could make millions of dollars by simply speeding up their voice and pretending that they are a chipmunk. But I do not want to hear this garbage under any circumstance. We are doing our childreng a terrible disservice when we play this trash to them and let it distort the development of their own musical taste.

The poor child singing the song below is forever traumatized, wondering why Mommy is cheating on Daddy with someone who looks like Santa Claus. I hate the scenario the song presents to us, and I also cannot stand the singing voice that spikes this junk into our ears. I find the song below piercingly annoying.

Anything an idiot tries to argue that Paul McCartney is one of the greatest songwriters of all time, I can always decimate their argument by presenting this song to them. 

I can only assume that after years of dope smoking and LSD licking, Paul McCartney sprained his songwriting muscle and came up with a Christmas song that sounds like it was written by a five year old.

This song makes me angry.

Christmas time should be a time of happiness. The people who came up with this song demand that you stop enjoying Christmas so you can have an emotional breakdown thinking about the pitiful child in this song.

The song makes me angry because the songwriters know exactly what and where our emotional buttons are, and they don't just push our buttons, they bludgeon them with a sledgehammer.

"The Christmas Shoes" is one of the most cynical, nekkidly emotionally manipulative songs of all time (yes, too many adverbs/adjectives, whatever the song drives me nuts!)

By the way, I don't mind when entertainment manipulates me emotionally. I admire the talent it takes to do that. However, the song below treats my emotions like a baby seal, and clubs that baby seal in a beer-fueled rage. 

The music in the song below is pretty good. The content of the song is an insult.

It is another emotionally manipulative song, designed to make us all feel guilty if we enjoy Christmas while other people have less than us. 

I agree that we should help the less fortunate people all over the world. I do NOT want to be lectured at Christmas by a choir of ultra-rich celebrities like Sting, Bono and Duran and Duran.

And Boy George would have made a great villain on the old 1960's Batman tv show. 

You knew that the song below would be on my list.

I hate it because it is disrespectful to the elderly. It is considered funny that grandma may be dead or severely injured. It also portrays grandma as an eggnog swilling degenerate who would drunkenly stumble into the path of Santa's sleigh.

And the music and singing are deliberately created to annoy.

Shame on the radio program directors who play the song, and shame on the sadistic/masochistic citizens who request that the song be played.