And Howdy to you, Internet User.
My name is Uncle Henry. I am a radio personality here on the Gulf Coast, currently living in Mobile, Alabama.
I understand that I have many new listeners now because iHeartRadio radio has teamed me up with Kelly Bennett, and has decided to air our show in Biloxi every morning on Newstalk 104.9 FM.
I want you, the New Listener, to gain an understanding of my personality and personal beliefs, so I have prepared a brief essay for you:
WHAT I BELIEVE by Uncle Henry
I believe in GOD (always in capital letters), and the only true happiness and fulfillment to be found on Earth is in doing His will. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless.
I believe Southerners are the most generous and the most stubborn people on Earth.
I believe speed bumps, traffic circles and all traffic calming devices are insanely stupid.The devices damage roads and vehicles and are a waste of materials and money. They are a huge rip-off of the taxpayer.
I believe tax cuts always have a dynamic effect on the economy.
I believe taxes are almost always too high.
I believe the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen and Barbara Striesand are very talented and very stupid.
I believe state legislatures should only meet once every two years, if that often.
I believe legislators of all kinds should be limited to two terms maximum.
I believe that when a politician is convicted of a bribery crime, they should have to spend the same amount of time in prison that they spent in office, just as a minimum.
I believe the best President of my lifetime was Ronald Reagan, and the worst President of my lifetime was Jimmy Carter.
I believe the Space Program should be abolished, unless we use it to drop bombs on our enemies. Or use it to create something like the Death Star, only with a friendlier name.
I believe all politicians, government workers, TV reporters and radio announcers should be tested for illegal drugs- constantly!
I believe people who make loud noises after 9 PM at night in a residential area should be jailed and forced to listen to annoying, loud music, such as Motley Crue, while incarcerated.
I believe people on low-carb diets should undergo psychological evaluation. Anyone who willingly avoids grits and biscuits needs psychiatric testing.
I believe teenage boys should be forced to wear their pants up around their waists, and teenage girls should be forced to cover their mid sections.
I believe Batman should never have taken a young boy like Robin out with him and put the boy in danger.
I believe The Passion of the Christ and The Ten Commandments are the best movies ever made that aren't about cowboys.
I believe the primary focus of city government should be police protection, fire protection, and paving the streets. A city should take care of those responsibilities before ever spending money on anything else.
I believe cafeteria style eating is underrated.
I believe there is no such thing as luck.
I believe the meek shall inherit the Earth, so be nice to the meek.
I believe doctors who make you wait way past your scheduled appointment time should be forced to lower their fees.
I believe food and medicine should never ever be taxed.I believe R-rated movies should be taxed one dollar per cussword, with the taxes attached to the ticket price.
I believe college football games should never be put on pay-per-view. We buy their t-shirts and hats and clothes. The games should be free to see on tv.
I believe Flea Markets are underrated.
I believe good weather forecasting has nothing to do with what kind of Doppler radar you have, or what kind of Storm Action Team you have.
I believe the American People are basically good, and the world is a better place due to our country's existence.
I believe children should be seen and not heard and should do chores. Children who do not learn chores will grow up to be dangers to society.
I believe the Liberal News Media is real, and they tick me off to the point of having conniption fits almost every day.
I believe the best year for television was 1966. That year the top shows were Bonanza,The Lucy Show, The Jackie Gleason Show, The Red Skelton Show, Andy Griffith, Gomer Pyle, Green Acres and the Beverly Hillbillies.
I believe people under 30 are ignorant about life and should keep their mouths shut and should not be allowed to irritate me.
I believe tax dollars should never support the arts. If art is good and has value, people will pay for it. If some lunatic wants to put a cross into a jar of tee tee and call it "art," don't make me pay for that mess.
I believe the Department of Education should be abolished. Schools should only be under local control.
I believe that one day in the future we will all work for Walmart, and we will all live at Walmart. Right now, you can already buy food and clothes there- get your car fixed there, get prescriptions there and get your eyes checked there- and some Walmarts have banks in them. Soon, what they'll do, is build Walmart condos and Walmart apartments for the elderly people who greet you when you walk in- then, eventually, every business that we all work for will be absorbed by Walmart, and we'll all get paid in Walmart company bucks that can only be spent at Walmart, and we will live in the United States of Walmart.
I believe cats and dogs are of equal value, and are blessings. The Bible does not tell us, specifically, that dogs and cats go Heaven but I sure hope they do!